I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
