i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
