Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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