The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
