I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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