I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
