I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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