the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
