When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
