shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
