In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
