is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
