i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
bring money and cleavage
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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