Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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