ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
