he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
