I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
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I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
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I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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