I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
