dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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