sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
people are starting to question the shark bite story
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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