I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
