I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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