wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
