if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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