I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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