There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
