Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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