Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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