I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
