were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
