I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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