My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you had me at cake vodka
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
