he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My life is pants optional.
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