Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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