I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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