I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
When did angry sex become our thing?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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