nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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