it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
