did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
