Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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