Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
