It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
