You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hippo gnu deer
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
