so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
