We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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