All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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