so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
