Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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