Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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