I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
