My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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