Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
