If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
false alarm. still invincible.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
