spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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