i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
