??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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