So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
